A Taste of Brutality

“Smartwatch Pro: Turns you into a paperweight on steroids.”

“VR Headset: Escape reality—don’t worry, debt crumbs will tag along.”

“Bluetooth Speaker: Thumping tunes to drown out your existential dread.”

“USB Charger: Obligatory cord you’ll lose before you lose hope.”

“Energy Bar: Because kale chips are just a warm-up to regret.”

“Gourmet Coffee: Liquid panic in a designer mug.”

“Plant-Based Burger: Faux steak for the ethically conflicted.”

“Sparkling Water: Bubbles hide the taste of overpriced tap.”

“Anti-Aging Serum: Clinging to youth like a midlife crisis in a bottle.”

“Luxury Lotion: A financial black hole disguised as hydration.”

“Mascara Queen: Guarantees raccoon-eye patience tests.”

“Perfume Noir: Smells like regret and existential despair.”

“Robot Vacuum: Mandatory gadget for someone with trust issues.”

“Aroma Candle: Masks your burnt dinner with elitist scents.”

“Smart Thermostat: Regulates comfort—and your crippling disappointment.”

“Memory Foam Mattress: Sleeps better than you do during overtime.”

“Deluxe Dog Bed: Your pooch naps better than you—even when you’re unemployed.”

“Automatic Feeder: Replaces you as the world’s worst caretaker.”

“Cat Litter Pro: Deluxe sandbox for your home’s latent landfill.”

“Pet GPS Tracker: Because your cat secretly thinks about murder.”