📊 Pitch Deck Translations: Volume 1

“What they said on the slide vs. what they meant in Slack.”

We’ve all seen them: the high-polish investor decks full of slick phrases, inflated projections, and headshots of founders in Patagonia vests. But what do these slides actually mean?

Let’s translate.

💬 Slide: “We’re building the future of [X]”

🧨 Translation: We have an MVP and a Notion doc.

Any time a startup says they’re “building the future,” it means the product isn’t finished and the dev is on vacation.

💬 Slide: “10x better than existing solutions”

🧨 Translation: We did no competitive research and hope you didn’t either.

You added a dark mode toggle. Calm down.

💬 Slide: “Our North Star: User Delight”

🧨 Translation: We push updates at 2AM and haven’t replied to a support ticket since March.

Nothing says “delight” like a pop-up asking for feedback before the page loads.

💬 Slide: “We’re creating a category-defining platform”

🧨 Translation: We’re making something no one asked for, and we’re loud about it.

Just because Gartner doesn’t have a quadrant for you doesn’t mean you're the next Salesforce. It means you're a quiz with a Stripe plugin.

💬 Slide: “This is just the beginning.”

🧨 Translation: We ran out of slides and hope you didn’t notice.

This usually follows a hockey-stick graph with zero Y-axis labels.

💬 Slide: “We’re pre-revenue, but our vision is bold.”

🧨 Translation: We burned our runway on branding before building anything.

Let me guess—custom font? Ambient launch video? No working product?

💬 Slide: “We’re a mission-driven team.”

🧨 Translation: We don’t have salaries but we do have matching mugs.

Founders: broke. Purpose: overflowing.

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“Still not profitable. Still pitching.”
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